The simple things in life

Desire lines

I sort of saw this coming a long time ago. Maybe it’s the distance or maybe it’s just me. As I keep growing as a person I keep losing friendships. It’s not like I am pushing away people on purpose it’s just that I don’t feel like talking to them anymore. 

Maybe I’ve just outgrown those friendships. They were necessary as I was in a certain phase in life but right now I don’t need them.

Some people that use to be the closest to me or where my best friends are not really anymore. Well I don’t feel like they are. When we aren’t around each other, I don’t care about them anymore. When we do reunite, it’s like nothing has changed and we are great friends again.

The things I do when I am with them may be the only reason why we are still friends. Without those things idk if we have anything in common anymore. 

I don’t miss them or anything. It’s like we’ve just grown apart and I am ok with that. 

I prefer to hangout with the people that are closer to me and I have fun with them. I’ve been hanging out with new people lately. I feel comfortable around them.

Would That Not Be Nice

It’s happening again. Those feelings are coming back. I don’t like feeling this way, all sad and stuff. Thinking about what I am passionate about is making me feel this way. I’ve sort of tricked myself in to liking and doing what I am doing now. I want to be done with school but I sort of dread it bc I don’t know what I want after.

I am not very passionate about a certain area. I have ideas but it’s kind of based on the money a bit. But money doesn’t make you happy. I want to do something that makes me happy.

I wish I could do something in the music industry, heck, I’d be cool with getting paid to go to concerts haha. I’d be ok with living paycheck to paycheck, actually no I wouldn’t be ok with that. I wanna have a stable income.

Well, I have a year left, opportunities may come a knocking. Who knows? 

I am going to a concert this Friday, was kinda not in the mood just bc I don’t wanna drive to Pomona but I won’t regret it when I get there. Getting my FYF ticket tomorrow too, it will be a nice new experience. Mainly going for the Yeah Yeah Yeahs haha and a few others.

But yea, I must not worry, I’ve always been optimistic.

I have an idea, what if I try to intern for a summer somewhere in the music industry, I can apply right, see what happens, maybe I’ll get lucky…if it doesn’t work, at least I tried, and I’ll stick to a 9-5 job.  

Should I stay or Should I go

This is how I feel right now.

I shouldn’t I shouldn’t I shouldn’t I shouldn’t I shouldn’t

We’ll see what happens in an hour.

I really shouldn’t

Everything tells me that I shouldn’t…almost everything

Right where it belongs

So it’s happened, it’s probably a temporary thing. I currently feel nothing. I’ve become pretty good at faking my emotions. Yesterday, I was laughing with friend and stuff but when they left I just started crying. I don’t know if I cried bc I felt bad or bc I thought I made a mistake. It broke my heart seeing you cry yesterday, I was only trying save you from being hurt in the future.

I am confused with what I want in life. Everyone tells me you’re wrong for me and I didn’t listen at first, then I started listening, and because of what I heard I started seeing little things that told me, yea, you’re not right for me, I shouldn’t continue this.

So I finally decided to tell you yesterday, that we should stick to being friends. I didn’t imagine that you would take it this hard. I am so sorry. I know what you are going through, I felt that way over a year ago but I had a reason to feel that way. You’ve only known me for 2 weeks. How can you feel this way??

You said to give it a shot, take a risk, but I don’t wanna hurt you even more. I thought of this earlier. I wanted a 2nd chance last yr, but he didn’t. I understand now, you could give someone a 2nd chance but if you don’t really feel anything then you’re just doing them harm.

It’s hard to say how I feel right now. bc I feel kind of empty inside.My emotions aren’t really there anymore. I don’t wanna lie to you. I have a lot of growing up to do.

Love will tear us apart

I guess I am still not ready. I thought I was but I am not. Last night, I thought of you and the feelings I use to have. I don’t even know why, it’s been over a year, I got over it a while ago, you weren’t even that great. 

Right now, I am working on myself and I feel like this may take away from that. There are so many things I want to do alone, actually this has taught me something really important. I want to be alone. Companionship is nice but I don’t mind being alone. 

When I started writing this, I didn’t expect this revelation. I am surprised, kissing and all that stuff is nice but I have no need for it right now. 

I figured if I met the right person I’d allow it but I think this person isn’t right for me. I don’t wanna be someone’s almost everything, it should be equal and right now as I am getting to know the person more, it’s not. I feel like it’s 70-30 or 60-40. I am the lower percentage.

Mehhh

I am all about adventure these days. 

Future…

Had a talk just now with a grad student that’s in my program. He’s a bit older but has so much life experience. He’s turning 27 tomorrow and he said I was already so far along in what I was doing since I was younger but I told him he had already done a lot in life, things I want to do, and it doesn’t matter what age you are. All that matters is that you know where you’re semi going. 

I like that. semi going.